his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
