i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
