Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
