so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
