At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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