I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
