It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize