Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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