You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
