Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
