I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize