Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
