Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
