It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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