What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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