so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
