She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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