Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
