He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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