I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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