Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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