Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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