i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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