haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you had me at cake vodka
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
