I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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