I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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