you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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