Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
