remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
