Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
