You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
