I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
