Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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