I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
