I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
