When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
