Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
