my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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