take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
