God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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