So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
