my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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