Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
