Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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