"it" just moved
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
