My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I love how my cats smell like pot.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
