I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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