so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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