Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
