I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
