I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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