Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize