Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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