Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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