Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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