Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
