Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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