So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
