Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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