Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
