totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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