I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
