happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
