FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
