But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
