Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
