I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
