I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
