He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
