just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
